It's been a while since either of us have posted anything on this blog and life has kept going.
I am going to be straight with you guys, it's been a rough few years.
Last post was about us leaving North Carolina and moving to Florida. It wasn't exactly our plan, but it was God's, that I do not doubt. I might not understand why, but I believe it was His plan.
We moved in with my Mom and Grandma, who graciously have let 5 people join there crew, while we save to buy a house/figure out what God wants us to do. God led us to a church that we are grateful for. We both have jobs in the education system, after Jesse worked as a case manager in the field of child protective services for a year and a half. Jesse is an American History teacher at a middle school and I am an assistant in the Primary class at a Montessori charter school that I love and that our girls go to with me! God worked that out too and I am so grateful. We are well fed and physically have been fairly healthy (except for not eating so great for a while, just being honest).
God has provided for our needs and, yet, I have been kinda miserable.
I have also been ashamed to admit that.
You see when we left, God had given me peace that God always knows what He is doing, that He has always provided and He is faithful and always has a plan. I was content. Then I got here, to Florida, and slowly, I wasn't content. Actually I felt quite sad and depressed. I didn't think I should be because God was providing for our needs but, if I am honest, I was.
I had a sweet friend tell me that I needed to show myself grace and that it was ok to be sad. It was ok to deal with all my feelings I was going through, but my flesh said I needed to be ok. I needed to be strong because I am a Christian and it's weak to not be trusting God and being upset and sad. I felt like I should be happy all the time, or at least most of the time. I should see this thing that felt like lemons and make lemonade while smiling and wearing high heels. I should be ok, but I very much wasn't.
By believing this lie, the lie that I had to keep my crap together, I started running from God. Running from reality. I would escape reality by watching TV and then I would eat to make me feel happy. I am sad to say I am still getting out of that.
I also didn't want to hurt anymore and leaving NC hurt because relationships are hard and sometimes people hurt you and mess up because, we are humans and we sin. Sometimes we mess up and hurt people. Life is messy. So I became very guarded. I have been there before, where I didn't really trust people, and I slowly built a wall back up and hid myself behind it. I don't even truly think I am aware of how many ways I have been "protecting myself" from people and relationships. I keep myself at a distance with most, except a few who have snuck in and small humans. Kids always break down my walls and I can't help but let them in. Praise God for that! If not, I would have been quite lonely.
We have been working with the kids at our church because Jesse felt led to and I followed, even though I was kinda kicking and screaming inside. (God worked that out well didn't He?!?) and last Sunday was our first Sunday morning in service for a little while and I knew as soon as I read the sermon notes in the bulletin that God had us there for a reason. That was confirmed by the fact that I didn't stop crying through the whole message.
It was about loss.
Which was perfect, since loss is what we had experienced.
You see, I truly felt like God had showed me that I was grieving my past. Grieving not being a stay at home mom anymore. Grieving leaving NC. Grieving loss of friendship or at least distance between them. Grieving that life we lived.
But I thought that was silly.
I actually thought, how dare I grieve such a thing when I still have my family. We are all still together. We have our needs met. I can't grieve all this stuff. "Get it together Ottesen, God can get you over this", but really I was saying, get over this!
Anyway, when my pastor started preaching and mentioned all the ways we (people) experience loss, we had gone through 4 of the 6 ways! Can I tell you the freedom I felt in that moment? The thought that it was ok to grieve because I HAD experienced loss. It was ok to be sad and hurt. I felt freedom to have those feelings. It was like He was saying it all to me. We might not have loss someone to death, but we lost.
We hurt.
We were sad and confused. We went through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I believe, and am hopeful, that we are in the acceptance stage (well I guess I can only speak for myself, Jesse will have to write a blog about his feelings later, since, if you know him, you know he loves to share how he feels with people! :) ) My pastor gave some wise and godly, biblical advice on what to do after loss. He talked about Job a lot. How God is under no obligation to make us comfortable but that He wants to change us and make us into His image. He said that God doesn't want to do something to us but in us and through us! Needless to say, He encouraged and challenged my heart. God used my pastor's sermon to speak Truth and light into a darkness that I had been stuck in.
I write this blog for a few reasons...
1. for healing for myself
2. to remember
3. so other people can hear this Truth that I have been shown
4. that other people know they aren't alone in mourning things that we feel like we have no right mourning
I am sitting here nervous to post this because I don't want to act like I understand what it means to grieve a loss of a spouse or a child. I have lost a grandfather who I was very close to and this loss is different, but this kind of grieving is hard also. I want people to know that it's ok to work through those feelings, that they are real.
So I want to leave you with quote from Ruth Harms Calkin that Pastor Bill mentioned in His sermon,
"O God, I trust you....I don't understand, I cannot begin to comprehend the wisdom of your way in my torn and tangled life. But I am steadfastly believing that your plan for me today is, must be....surely it must be ….as kind, as loving, as profitable as your plan for me in joyful days past. After all, you are the same yesterday, today and forever....so dear God although my feelings cry out differently, I choose at this moment to TRUST YOU!!!"
Here is a link if you would like to listen to Pastor Bill's sermon, just look for the sermon titled "Losses that Drive Us to the Gospel" Heritage Baptist Sermons
