let me start by saying this blog will be personal so please be aware of that fact :)
Lately...well for a while I have been "struggling" with being complacent/lazy with Jesus...I have decided to just allow whatever God wants to do in my life to randomly happen...with me not seeking Him out or putting forth effort...I feel like I sit and wait for God to completely change me and to send people in my life to help with that process yet I sit in my complacency and do nothing...I don't try to go make friends/build relationships, I don't try to reach out and love on the people that I am blessed enough to be surrounded by, i don't call and check on those that I know are hurting (sure, I think about them but nothing further), I do nothing for God's glory yet i sit and ask Him why He isn't speaking? Why I feel far from Him? I am sure He is saying things and I am so self absorbed to realize that...
This brings me to my next point...
i hate that my sin/rebellion doesn't only hurt me and my relationship with Jesus but it effects the people around me....those i am short with, those i don't show mercy to, those i judge, those that see my temper and hear my negative words, those that mimic me and are mimicing a woman i didn't think i could ever be again after meeting Jesus, I hate that my sin of laziness effects Jesse, Rae, Kennedy, and all the people I have a relationship with...even people at Walmart or any other store I walk into...
When we moved to NC I had such hope for what God could do and such faith that He would do it, then I started focusing on me...on what others thought...on my needs/wants/desires...stupid stuff like that! I know God has so much more for me...I know He wants me to have Joy and Hope...I know He is my God and He is good! He always hears my cry and I know he hears the recent cries of my heart! I know He loves me and will never leave me nor forsake me YET I have allowed myself to get so caught up in myself that I couldn't see the Truth...
Today I have decidded to choose Truth, to choose to get up and be involved in life again...to die to self...to come back to my Dad who loves me so much :)